In the beginning

I like to think of right now, as being a beginning for us, but really the beginning was so long ago. It is A beginning, but not the very beginning. The very beginning was in 2001, right after my beautiful daughter was born.

From the moment I first layed eyes on her thick black hair, button nose, and gorgeous brown eyes (that are identical to her fathers I must say), I was sure that this is what my life was supposed to be about, and immediately wanted another bundle of joy to love as much as I already did this precious baby girl. Not only did I want another child for me, but I wanted another for her as well. Someone to grow up with and to share in all her childhood experiences.

So, in August of 2001, when my daughter was a month old, we decided that we wanted to have another before she turned two. We opted not to go on birth control and hoped that something would happen that year.

By the next summer when nothing had happened, we were ready to TRY to get pregnant. Sadly, his profession as a soldier, directed our lives in another direction. At that point, the having to put off TTC didn't bother me so much. I was only 19 about to turn 20 (yes, I married young) and he was 26, so I knew we had lots of time to go on that journey. He returned home in January of 2002, only to be sent to Iraq for the war 2 weeks later. It was the scariest time of my life. I was left home with our 1 year-old daughter, with my wonderful husband on the other side of the world in a war that seemed so unreal. CNN was on our T.V.'s in every room that had one. I was glued to it and terrified every time that there was an announcement that a company had been hit. It was a very hard year, but we survived, and he was home again in January of 2005. It was so wonderful to feel his arms around me, and to know that he was safe.

Of course, TTC wasn't out of my mind. We started trying right away. We tried for about 3 months before learning, that once again, the Army was taking away my husband, along with those little spremies that were quite necessary to the whole course of reproduction. We kept trying until he had to leave in September. That started another year apart, and that meant another year that we had to put off TTC.

In July of 2005, I flew to Korea to visit my hubby, and we decided that since I was ovulating....we should give it a shot! No luck that month. BUT....we were very lucky to have him come home the following month, ONE MONTH EARLY! He got home just in time for OV. Obviously, we weren't successful in July or August of that year.

In fact....we've been unsuccessful ever since! Peeing on sticks is something that I gave up on long ago. I learned that they are just big dissappointments. Good ol' AF seems to wait til you buy an expensive pregnancy test, pee on it and see only one sad, misely little line. Then she comes hours later in full force. I think it's her way of laughing in you face, seeing as she has no vocal chords to do it properly. Bitch.

We've now been trying for about 22 months, and 27 cycles since my cycles aren't very long. We FINALLY have gotten to see a fertility specialist. Our first appointment was last month. I thought, "oh, we just have gotten our timing right and we'll just talk to her, she'll set us straight and give us some pointers and we'll be good". I was actually totally shocked to hear that my husband's little swimmers are just uber UNCOOPERATIVE. He's taken 3 sperm tests in the last 6 months, and they are getting worse each time. It's quite unnerving! He also has hydrocele and varicocele, and may have to have surgery. I was told to work on losing weight, which I had already started to do anyway, and was given pre-natals and calcium tablets to take daily.

It's now been a month since our first appointment. I've had blood drawn on day 21 of my last cycle, and tomorrow we get to go and visit with Mrs. H again ( she's our specialist). I'm so excited, but anxious. I just hope that we can fix our swimmers and that nothing else is wrong with ME! One person to fix is plenty. The hardest thing that I'm dealing with right now, is that we've just been told that there is another deployment coming, and my wonderful hubby may leave, once again, for Iraq. That could be as soon as August.

So, I hope to light a fire under their butts at the clinic by letting them know about that. It's all done on base, and I'm sure that this happens a lot. I'm just so upset that we have finally gotten some help that we so wanted, and that we may have to put this on hold again in a few months. I'm trying to hope for the best, and wishing for a miracle. I'm seriously thinking about having them freeze his sperm, since we've already been told that we will probably have to have artificial insemination (AI) or InVitro Fertilization (IVF).

So, that's the beginning...that is the road that has gotten me here. At least the short version, believe it or not. I have to put on my big girl panties now, and just stick to whatever plan we get and focus on that, rather the inpending doom that is deployment!

This is my beautiful miracle, Leilani. She's my one and only, and a true joy to have in my life.