Well, my cyst is still complex. Oh, AND...it's bigger! So, in July I'll be having surgery to have it removed. Once I do that, I get to go on Clomid! I have a new fertility Doctor now, and he's amazing. When he does my surgery, he's going to check my tubes (even though we're pretty sure they are just fine) and anything else that could affect my fertility. I'm looking forward to that.
I'm pretty damn happy about having almost 2 months off of TTC too. I've been so stressed about it, and just ready to give up. Dr. Smythe really made me feel better today. He's so soft spoken and personable, so it's nice to have him. I'm going to focus on the weightloss for the next few months. I'd like to lose 15 pounds before surgery in July. I think that's reasonable. I just have to work at it. I feel so much lighter today after that appointment. A weight has definately lifted.
I know the plan for our fertility issues now, and it feels good.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
$h!t
Yesterday was just an awful day. I couldn't seem to sleep Sunday night, so that didn't help my Monday I don't suppose. I finally got to sleep around 4:30am and then the hubby got up at 5. I always have a hard time getting to sleep after he gets up, so by about 5:30 I was out again, just to get up at 6:30 a.m. to get Leilani ready and take her to school. So, that's an hour and a half of sleep. I went straight back to bed when I got home at 7:15 and didn't get to sleep til about 9. Had to get up at 10. So, no sleep for me.
I took my shower and shaved my legs...which I hate to do, but figured it would be nice to do since someone was gonna be between my legs today. Didn't want them to get splinters. Decided to call and make my HSG appointment. Well, the lady that answered the phone was like "who is your provider" in a snotty condecending tone. Now, this isn't my hospital that I have to have the HSG done at, the military hospital doesn't do it, so it's the one in town. I told her that and she was like "well, we're overbooked this week so you'll have to wait til next month".
WTF
"We're normally not so backed up" I don't care if they are normally backed up, I care that I can't get my goddamn appointment! I didn't get to have it last month, because I was gone during the time that I had to have it, and now they are telling me to wait ANOTHER MONTH? I was angry and frustrated and devastated all at once. I felt like this women on the phone had no idea what she had just told me. If I had all the time in the world, I wouldn't get so upset, but my husband is leaving me for 12-18 months this fall. I don't know how long I have to do all this crap before he goes, and if we don't get pregnant before he deploys....Leilani will be almost 9 AT THE YOUNGEST before we have out next. I can't get clomid without this test. I can't get on the AI and IVF lists without this test.
Screw Metro*lex hospital. I'm calling the FIRST day of my period and making the appointment. I'm not waiting til the last day of my cycle, so that they can be "overbooked" again. I will have the damn test NEXT MONTH!
So, I was upset (clearly) by that. I about broke down when I told my husband that I had to wait ANOTHER MONTH.
We went to the hospital for my appointment after that, where I learned that I STILL have the cyst. I don't know how big it is yet. I'm waiting for the doctor to call me about that. While I was having my scan, my husband called to let our Doc know what was going on with the HSG test. He told her how upset I was, and asked if my cyst was better if I would be able to start my clomid. That's when we found out that I can't have it til I have my HSG test. AHHHH! COME ON ALREADY! She also told him that my progesterone level was only 8 and it needs to be 10. What if I can't do anything about that people! geez! After they talked, she called him back like 5 minutes later and said she had an appointment on Thursday and asked if we wanted to come in and talk to her. So, 12:30 Thursday I get to go and probably just get even more upset.
I had been losing weight. Not now. I'm like 2 pounds more than I was when I saw her last...but I think I'm bloated in all honesty. I'm just beating myself up today. I just don't want to get yelled at. I haven't been able to go to the gym, because there just isn't enough time. I don't have our car, but in the afternoons. I don't have time to go to the gym after dropping my husband off at work to go, because of the time that my daughter gets out of school. Then, after she gets home, we have to do homework and practice piano. Then it's about time to get my husband from work. After that is dinner, baths, and getting ready for the next day. When am I supposed to go to the gym?!?! Thank God that Leilani is out of school next Thursday! I hate sounding like I'm making excuses.
I've lost all motivation to do anything lately. I hate who I have become. I don't know what to do with myself. I try to be positive, but for some reason I just can't be. I'm so freaking depressed which makes me angry. I DO NOT want to take my meds for that. I was doing so good. I don't know what my problem is.
I took my shower and shaved my legs...which I hate to do, but figured it would be nice to do since someone was gonna be between my legs today. Didn't want them to get splinters. Decided to call and make my HSG appointment. Well, the lady that answered the phone was like "who is your provider" in a snotty condecending tone. Now, this isn't my hospital that I have to have the HSG done at, the military hospital doesn't do it, so it's the one in town. I told her that and she was like "well, we're overbooked this week so you'll have to wait til next month".
WTF
"We're normally not so backed up" I don't care if they are normally backed up, I care that I can't get my goddamn appointment! I didn't get to have it last month, because I was gone during the time that I had to have it, and now they are telling me to wait ANOTHER MONTH? I was angry and frustrated and devastated all at once. I felt like this women on the phone had no idea what she had just told me. If I had all the time in the world, I wouldn't get so upset, but my husband is leaving me for 12-18 months this fall. I don't know how long I have to do all this crap before he goes, and if we don't get pregnant before he deploys....Leilani will be almost 9 AT THE YOUNGEST before we have out next. I can't get clomid without this test. I can't get on the AI and IVF lists without this test.
Screw Metro*lex hospital. I'm calling the FIRST day of my period and making the appointment. I'm not waiting til the last day of my cycle, so that they can be "overbooked" again. I will have the damn test NEXT MONTH!
So, I was upset (clearly) by that. I about broke down when I told my husband that I had to wait ANOTHER MONTH.
We went to the hospital for my appointment after that, where I learned that I STILL have the cyst. I don't know how big it is yet. I'm waiting for the doctor to call me about that. While I was having my scan, my husband called to let our Doc know what was going on with the HSG test. He told her how upset I was, and asked if my cyst was better if I would be able to start my clomid. That's when we found out that I can't have it til I have my HSG test. AHHHH! COME ON ALREADY! She also told him that my progesterone level was only 8 and it needs to be 10. What if I can't do anything about that people! geez! After they talked, she called him back like 5 minutes later and said she had an appointment on Thursday and asked if we wanted to come in and talk to her. So, 12:30 Thursday I get to go and probably just get even more upset.
I had been losing weight. Not now. I'm like 2 pounds more than I was when I saw her last...but I think I'm bloated in all honesty. I'm just beating myself up today. I just don't want to get yelled at. I haven't been able to go to the gym, because there just isn't enough time. I don't have our car, but in the afternoons. I don't have time to go to the gym after dropping my husband off at work to go, because of the time that my daughter gets out of school. Then, after she gets home, we have to do homework and practice piano. Then it's about time to get my husband from work. After that is dinner, baths, and getting ready for the next day. When am I supposed to go to the gym?!?! Thank God that Leilani is out of school next Thursday! I hate sounding like I'm making excuses.
I've lost all motivation to do anything lately. I hate who I have become. I don't know what to do with myself. I try to be positive, but for some reason I just can't be. I'm so freaking depressed which makes me angry. I DO NOT want to take my meds for that. I was doing so good. I don't know what my problem is.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
life.
Well, AF showed up this week. Monday is the scan, and I'll call for my HSG.
I'm tired. I just want to get pregnant already! Two years (almost) is enough already. And to think, we wanted another one when Leilani turned 2. She's almost 6. Things didn't go according to plan.
On a brighter note...tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I feel very lucky to have the one little midget that I have. I love her more than life. My sweet hubby took her out this morning early before I got up and scouted out all the Spa's in town. They got me a package at one the next town over. Hubby said he could tell that I've been down lately, and he thought that it would be good for me to have a day at the spa, to myself. I had a pretty crappy day today, so getting my Mother's Day gifts early, was really nice. I feel better now.
So, I'm just gonna do my best this cycle, and hopefully by this time next year we'll have another little one. Sadly, my hubby won't be here though. Never seems to be a totally perfect and happy time lately. ::sigh::
I'm tired. I just want to get pregnant already! Two years (almost) is enough already. And to think, we wanted another one when Leilani turned 2. She's almost 6. Things didn't go according to plan.
On a brighter note...tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I feel very lucky to have the one little midget that I have. I love her more than life. My sweet hubby took her out this morning early before I got up and scouted out all the Spa's in town. They got me a package at one the next town over. Hubby said he could tell that I've been down lately, and he thought that it would be good for me to have a day at the spa, to myself. I had a pretty crappy day today, so getting my Mother's Day gifts early, was really nice. I feel better now.
So, I'm just gonna do my best this cycle, and hopefully by this time next year we'll have another little one. Sadly, my hubby won't be here though. Never seems to be a totally perfect and happy time lately. ::sigh::
Sunday, May 6, 2007
The craziness that is my life
Seriously...my life is like a 3 ring circus lately. I feel like nothing just flows together. It's all divided and nuts. I can only be in one ring at a time, which is VERY difficult for a multi-tasking overachiever like myself.
Ring One: TTC I must say that this is the most frustrating ring. Maybe even the center one, since everything seems to revolve around it. Including ring 2. TTC has really taken over my life more than I like to admit. I'm getting to the point, where I want to quit. That totally sucks too, seeing as we've just gotten through most of our testing and I'm close to getting some drugs to help this along...supposedly. I feel like I'm really down on it lately, and possibly only continuing on because we've finally gotten to where things are moving forward, and I don't want to give that up and hate myself later down the bumpy road. I'm hanging in there, and obsessing about every little thing that goes with it. This last month....I didn't bother trying. My husband is burnt out. Sex is NO FUN. I didn't get a pos OV test. I said "screw it" this month. I think I'll be ready in a few weeks, to get back on the horse. AF is due Tuesday...I know she's coming. That means that next week I will have my HSG, as well as my internal pelvic exam. Oh, and lets not forget the pregnancy test I have to take before the HSG. That'll be just lovely..I love having another negative shoved in my face. ::sigh:: I want to just walk in one day and tell them to skip the crap and stick a fertilized egg in there and be done with it. I'm in this to get it over with right now. I desperately want another baby, but this just isn't how it's supposed to be done. Imagine...having sex to have a baby? How in the hell did they think that would ever work?!?!?! seriously.
Ring two: The battle of the bulge. This was enough on it's own. Now I have the pressure of having to lose weight to get pregnant. Like being infertile isn't stressful enough! I have a hard time with this too for some reason. I can't seem to pull all the different aspects together, to be as healthy as I need to be. Maybe I'm just being a wuss. Maybe I'm quiting. I think I'm in a rut. Part of me wants to never eat again and do Pilate's constantly until I look like I think I should, but the reasonable part of my brain says "um..no moron". So, This week I will recommit to the gym, WW, and my detox. All three pieces of the puzzle. I know I can do it...but it's hard dammit! I'd like to lose at least 5 pounds in the next 2 weeks so that my fertility lady will give me nice looks and pats on the back.
Ring three: Life? I forgot I had one for awhile. I KNOW that I have focused too much on TTC and weight issues. I seriously don't know how to just make them another part of life. I feel like they rule me and have defined who I am, and that is way not cool. My goal is to make them PART of my life, not ALL of it. It's very hard for me. I have no control over these things it seems. Maybe acupuncture? I need some stress relief. GEEZ!
I'm trying to find myself. My husband is leaving this fall for a year....at least. I would love to be pregnant by then, but if I'm not, I really am 100% ok with that. We'll pick up where we left off, and then while he's gone I can focus on one thing...getting to a healthy baby making place! Right now, it's not so easy. I have a deployment to focus on, weight, TTC, finding a job....etc. Stress...I need to simplify and let things go. I'm trying so hard. TTC, I've started to let it go. I'm just doing what I've been told to do, and taking it a step at a time. That's all I can do. That's the biggest hurdle. I'll get over it!
Ring One: TTC I must say that this is the most frustrating ring. Maybe even the center one, since everything seems to revolve around it. Including ring 2. TTC has really taken over my life more than I like to admit. I'm getting to the point, where I want to quit. That totally sucks too, seeing as we've just gotten through most of our testing and I'm close to getting some drugs to help this along...supposedly. I feel like I'm really down on it lately, and possibly only continuing on because we've finally gotten to where things are moving forward, and I don't want to give that up and hate myself later down the bumpy road. I'm hanging in there, and obsessing about every little thing that goes with it. This last month....I didn't bother trying. My husband is burnt out. Sex is NO FUN. I didn't get a pos OV test. I said "screw it" this month. I think I'll be ready in a few weeks, to get back on the horse. AF is due Tuesday...I know she's coming. That means that next week I will have my HSG, as well as my internal pelvic exam. Oh, and lets not forget the pregnancy test I have to take before the HSG. That'll be just lovely..I love having another negative shoved in my face. ::sigh:: I want to just walk in one day and tell them to skip the crap and stick a fertilized egg in there and be done with it. I'm in this to get it over with right now. I desperately want another baby, but this just isn't how it's supposed to be done. Imagine...having sex to have a baby? How in the hell did they think that would ever work?!?!?! seriously.
Ring two: The battle of the bulge. This was enough on it's own. Now I have the pressure of having to lose weight to get pregnant. Like being infertile isn't stressful enough! I have a hard time with this too for some reason. I can't seem to pull all the different aspects together, to be as healthy as I need to be. Maybe I'm just being a wuss. Maybe I'm quiting. I think I'm in a rut. Part of me wants to never eat again and do Pilate's constantly until I look like I think I should, but the reasonable part of my brain says "um..no moron". So, This week I will recommit to the gym, WW, and my detox. All three pieces of the puzzle. I know I can do it...but it's hard dammit! I'd like to lose at least 5 pounds in the next 2 weeks so that my fertility lady will give me nice looks and pats on the back.
Ring three: Life? I forgot I had one for awhile. I KNOW that I have focused too much on TTC and weight issues. I seriously don't know how to just make them another part of life. I feel like they rule me and have defined who I am, and that is way not cool. My goal is to make them PART of my life, not ALL of it. It's very hard for me. I have no control over these things it seems. Maybe acupuncture? I need some stress relief. GEEZ!
I'm trying to find myself. My husband is leaving this fall for a year....at least. I would love to be pregnant by then, but if I'm not, I really am 100% ok with that. We'll pick up where we left off, and then while he's gone I can focus on one thing...getting to a healthy baby making place! Right now, it's not so easy. I have a deployment to focus on, weight, TTC, finding a job....etc. Stress...I need to simplify and let things go. I'm trying so hard. TTC, I've started to let it go. I'm just doing what I've been told to do, and taking it a step at a time. That's all I can do. That's the biggest hurdle. I'll get over it!
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Needles, blood, and an unnecessary urine test
So this morning I had to drag my happy butt over to the hospital to have a needle stuck in my arm so that I could have more life drained from me. Okay, so that's dramatic, but I'm not a morning person, so that's what it felt like. And my butt wasn't really happy, just to clear that up.
I took my little numbered paper like you're supposed to do at these lovely military clinics and sat down. The pregnant ladies entered at this time. I was jealous at first, but then when they were gagging down that nasty syrup crap for their glucose, the jealousy quickly faded away. Gross. When my number was called, I went up to the desk, handed over my military ID and was informed that not only was I supposed to have blood drawn, but that I was to "give a sample" in the lovely little plastic cup that I was handed (Note: I wasn't given sanitary napkin thingies. wth?). Now, Ms. H didn't inform me that I was to do one, but it was really too early in the morning to make a stink about a little pee. So, I went to get my blood drawn with plans to pee after. My number was up after all...for the blood lady that is.
I get to my chair and just about drop everything as the lady slips the card and my pretty labels out of my hand. Thanks lady. Then, she put the tourniquet on WAY too tight. I just gritted my teeth and bared it. What else could I do?? Complain....haha, anyway. Then she poked at my arm a bit. Now, I have two VERY visible holes in my arm that she should have seen just fine, from when I donated Plasma. She actually said "I THINK I see where the vein is. Do you know where they normally stick you?". I think I went white. Was this woman SERIOUSLY asking me if I knew where SHE needed to stick me?? Lady, You're the one who is HOPEFULLY certified in phlebotomy, I haven't started that course yet, so why don't you go ahead and tell me where you are supposed to stick me. I wanted to be a smart ass and say, "um, in the ARM", but I didn't. I just told her that there were holes from where I had donated and she said ok. Then uttered "i'm just gonna stick here". Normally I don't even feel the needle...she wasn't graceful. I'm now bruised and the hole isn't near the ones from my plasma days. Stupid bitch.
I figured the worst (if not the nastiest) part of the day was over, so I followed the little yellow arrows to the woman's restroom. I didn't know we were that big of idiots now a days that we needed yellow arrows to lead us around a corner. I figured that the big sign with RESTROOM on it would have done the trick on it's own quite nicely. Apparently not. Did my test, turned it in, and left.
I was told to call Ms. H tomorrow to get the results of this second little blood test. Well, she called me today! Two hours after I had the work done. Now that's what I call fast! I love having a doctor that actually gives a rats ass. Anyway, everything was ok. She said something about my iron, but I didn't hear all of it. I just caught a "6". Don't know if she said 16 or 26. Either way, the prolactin levels are where they need to be now, and everything else must be fine since she didn't mention it. She did tell me that the lab people are morons (not quite like that, but that was the gist) and that I wasn't supposed to take the urine thing today. It was for when I do my HSG in a few weeks, since I have to have a pregnancy test the day before. Stupid lab people who can't read. I guess the yellow arrows are for them?
So, now I just have to wait for my period to come and go so that I can have my HSG. Either that, or I'm supposed to wait til day 35 of this cycle to go and do a test. Yeah RIGHT...like I could wait THAT long. My cycles are an average of 27 days and I've never gone over 31. NEVER. I think I'll test on day 32 here at home, and if it's pos, then I'll go to the hospital. Wait til day 35....ppppssshhhhtttt.
I took my little numbered paper like you're supposed to do at these lovely military clinics and sat down. The pregnant ladies entered at this time. I was jealous at first, but then when they were gagging down that nasty syrup crap for their glucose, the jealousy quickly faded away. Gross. When my number was called, I went up to the desk, handed over my military ID and was informed that not only was I supposed to have blood drawn, but that I was to "give a sample" in the lovely little plastic cup that I was handed (Note: I wasn't given sanitary napkin thingies. wth?). Now, Ms. H didn't inform me that I was to do one, but it was really too early in the morning to make a stink about a little pee. So, I went to get my blood drawn with plans to pee after. My number was up after all...for the blood lady that is.
I get to my chair and just about drop everything as the lady slips the card and my pretty labels out of my hand. Thanks lady. Then, she put the tourniquet on WAY too tight. I just gritted my teeth and bared it. What else could I do?? Complain....haha, anyway. Then she poked at my arm a bit. Now, I have two VERY visible holes in my arm that she should have seen just fine, from when I donated Plasma. She actually said "I THINK I see where the vein is. Do you know where they normally stick you?". I think I went white. Was this woman SERIOUSLY asking me if I knew where SHE needed to stick me?? Lady, You're the one who is HOPEFULLY certified in phlebotomy, I haven't started that course yet, so why don't you go ahead and tell me where you are supposed to stick me. I wanted to be a smart ass and say, "um, in the ARM", but I didn't. I just told her that there were holes from where I had donated and she said ok. Then uttered "i'm just gonna stick here". Normally I don't even feel the needle...she wasn't graceful. I'm now bruised and the hole isn't near the ones from my plasma days. Stupid bitch.
I figured the worst (if not the nastiest) part of the day was over, so I followed the little yellow arrows to the woman's restroom. I didn't know we were that big of idiots now a days that we needed yellow arrows to lead us around a corner. I figured that the big sign with RESTROOM on it would have done the trick on it's own quite nicely. Apparently not. Did my test, turned it in, and left.
I was told to call Ms. H tomorrow to get the results of this second little blood test. Well, she called me today! Two hours after I had the work done. Now that's what I call fast! I love having a doctor that actually gives a rats ass. Anyway, everything was ok. She said something about my iron, but I didn't hear all of it. I just caught a "6". Don't know if she said 16 or 26. Either way, the prolactin levels are where they need to be now, and everything else must be fine since she didn't mention it. She did tell me that the lab people are morons (not quite like that, but that was the gist) and that I wasn't supposed to take the urine thing today. It was for when I do my HSG in a few weeks, since I have to have a pregnancy test the day before. Stupid lab people who can't read. I guess the yellow arrows are for them?
So, now I just have to wait for my period to come and go so that I can have my HSG. Either that, or I'm supposed to wait til day 35 of this cycle to go and do a test. Yeah RIGHT...like I could wait THAT long. My cycles are an average of 27 days and I've never gone over 31. NEVER. I think I'll test on day 32 here at home, and if it's pos, then I'll go to the hospital. Wait til day 35....ppppssshhhhtttt.
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