Seriously...my life is like a 3 ring circus lately. I feel like nothing just flows together. It's all divided and nuts. I can only be in one ring at a time, which is VERY difficult for a multi-tasking overachiever like myself.
Ring One: TTC I must say that this is the most frustrating ring. Maybe even the center one, since everything seems to revolve around it. Including ring 2. TTC has really taken over my life more than I like to admit. I'm getting to the point, where I want to quit. That totally sucks too, seeing as we've just gotten through most of our testing and I'm close to getting some drugs to help this along...supposedly. I feel like I'm really down on it lately, and possibly only continuing on because we've finally gotten to where things are moving forward, and I don't want to give that up and hate myself later down the bumpy road. I'm hanging in there, and obsessing about every little thing that goes with it. This last month....I didn't bother trying. My husband is burnt out. Sex is NO FUN. I didn't get a pos OV test. I said "screw it" this month. I think I'll be ready in a few weeks, to get back on the horse. AF is due Tuesday...I know she's coming. That means that next week I will have my HSG, as well as my internal pelvic exam. Oh, and lets not forget the pregnancy test I have to take before the HSG. That'll be just lovely..I love having another negative shoved in my face. ::sigh:: I want to just walk in one day and tell them to skip the crap and stick a fertilized egg in there and be done with it. I'm in this to get it over with right now. I desperately want another baby, but this just isn't how it's supposed to be done. Imagine...having sex to have a baby? How in the hell did they think that would ever work?!?!?! seriously.
Ring two: The battle of the bulge. This was enough on it's own. Now I have the pressure of having to lose weight to get pregnant. Like being infertile isn't stressful enough! I have a hard time with this too for some reason. I can't seem to pull all the different aspects together, to be as healthy as I need to be. Maybe I'm just being a wuss. Maybe I'm quiting. I think I'm in a rut. Part of me wants to never eat again and do Pilate's constantly until I look like I think I should, but the reasonable part of my brain says "um..no moron". So, This week I will recommit to the gym, WW, and my detox. All three pieces of the puzzle. I know I can do it...but it's hard dammit! I'd like to lose at least 5 pounds in the next 2 weeks so that my fertility lady will give me nice looks and pats on the back.
Ring three: Life? I forgot I had one for awhile. I KNOW that I have focused too much on TTC and weight issues. I seriously don't know how to just make them another part of life. I feel like they rule me and have defined who I am, and that is way not cool. My goal is to make them PART of my life, not ALL of it. It's very hard for me. I have no control over these things it seems. Maybe acupuncture? I need some stress relief. GEEZ!
I'm trying to find myself. My husband is leaving this fall for a year....at least. I would love to be pregnant by then, but if I'm not, I really am 100% ok with that. We'll pick up where we left off, and then while he's gone I can focus on one thing...getting to a healthy baby making place! Right now, it's not so easy. I have a deployment to focus on, weight, TTC, finding a job....etc. Stress...I need to simplify and let things go. I'm trying so hard. TTC, I've started to let it go. I'm just doing what I've been told to do, and taking it a step at a time. That's all I can do. That's the biggest hurdle. I'll get over it!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment