$h!t

Yesterday was just an awful day. I couldn't seem to sleep Sunday night, so that didn't help my Monday I don't suppose. I finally got to sleep around 4:30am and then the hubby got up at 5. I always have a hard time getting to sleep after he gets up, so by about 5:30 I was out again, just to get up at 6:30 a.m. to get Leilani ready and take her to school. So, that's an hour and a half of sleep. I went straight back to bed when I got home at 7:15 and didn't get to sleep til about 9. Had to get up at 10. So, no sleep for me.

I took my shower and shaved my legs...which I hate to do, but figured it would be nice to do since someone was gonna be between my legs today. Didn't want them to get splinters. Decided to call and make my HSG appointment. Well, the lady that answered the phone was like "who is your provider" in a snotty condecending tone. Now, this isn't my hospital that I have to have the HSG done at, the military hospital doesn't do it, so it's the one in town. I told her that and she was like "well, we're overbooked this week so you'll have to wait til next month".

WTF

"We're normally not so backed up" I don't care if they are normally backed up, I care that I can't get my goddamn appointment! I didn't get to have it last month, because I was gone during the time that I had to have it, and now they are telling me to wait ANOTHER MONTH? I was angry and frustrated and devastated all at once. I felt like this women on the phone had no idea what she had just told me. If I had all the time in the world, I wouldn't get so upset, but my husband is leaving me for 12-18 months this fall. I don't know how long I have to do all this crap before he goes, and if we don't get pregnant before he deploys....Leilani will be almost 9 AT THE YOUNGEST before we have out next. I can't get clomid without this test. I can't get on the AI and IVF lists without this test.

Screw Metro*lex hospital. I'm calling the FIRST day of my period and making the appointment. I'm not waiting til the last day of my cycle, so that they can be "overbooked" again. I will have the damn test NEXT MONTH!

So, I was upset (clearly) by that. I about broke down when I told my husband that I had to wait ANOTHER MONTH.

We went to the hospital for my appointment after that, where I learned that I STILL have the cyst. I don't know how big it is yet. I'm waiting for the doctor to call me about that. While I was having my scan, my husband called to let our Doc know what was going on with the HSG test. He told her how upset I was, and asked if my cyst was better if I would be able to start my clomid. That's when we found out that I can't have it til I have my HSG test. AHHHH! COME ON ALREADY! She also told him that my progesterone level was only 8 and it needs to be 10. What if I can't do anything about that people! geez! After they talked, she called him back like 5 minutes later and said she had an appointment on Thursday and asked if we wanted to come in and talk to her. So, 12:30 Thursday I get to go and probably just get even more upset.

I had been losing weight. Not now. I'm like 2 pounds more than I was when I saw her last...but I think I'm bloated in all honesty. I'm just beating myself up today. I just don't want to get yelled at. I haven't been able to go to the gym, because there just isn't enough time. I don't have our car, but in the afternoons. I don't have time to go to the gym after dropping my husband off at work to go, because of the time that my daughter gets out of school. Then, after she gets home, we have to do homework and practice piano. Then it's about time to get my husband from work. After that is dinner, baths, and getting ready for the next day. When am I supposed to go to the gym?!?! Thank God that Leilani is out of school next Thursday! I hate sounding like I'm making excuses.

I've lost all motivation to do anything lately. I hate who I have become. I don't know what to do with myself. I try to be positive, but for some reason I just can't be. I'm so freaking depressed which makes me angry. I DO NOT want to take my meds for that. I was doing so good. I don't know what my problem is.